Much Ado About Nothing

Puttin' on the Ritz.

2008-03-11T17:28:00.002-04:00

Or, to be more precise, sitting in the Ritz. Great conference, but seeing as how there were no rooms left at this hotel (at least none we could afford with my budget) and cabs in Orlando are expensive, I had a good 4 hours to kill just sitting around today. Good thing I brought my trusty laptop. At least I have something to entertain myself with.

Although the 'N' key no longer has a letter on it. I wore it off.

If you're interested (not that many of you harbor the same deep love and fascination with the print industry as I do. I'm weird, I know.) I posted on the NAPL blog (well, commented on a post) for the event I'm at. You can find it here. The whole conference has been fascinating -- great information -- but the most interesting thus far was the seminar on how different generations view the workplace, and how companies have to be aware of and make policies that take into account the different mindsets. The different perceptions between the age groups, while not something completely new to me, was nonetheless very interesting to see laid out so logically. The progression and discussion of how social and global factors shaped the different world views, and what that means for employers who want to hire younger generations, was a great one.

I get to fly home tomorrow, which, after almost two solid weeks of travel (I got a whole two days between trips, just enough time to do laundry and re-pack) I am absolutely exhausted. It will be nice to just be home for a while.

Not Dead Yet

2008-02-28T16:38:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I really neglect this blog. I know all two of you (Well, if Steve and Paul are still bothering to check here at all, there are two of you...) are devastated by my lack of posting. But the truth is -- I just don't have witty and informative posts for you. HOWEVER, I am blogging -- just in mush shorter form. Twitter is the best thing ever -- it has a 140 character limit, and is meant to be updated at random whenever you have an observation or want to tell people what you're doing, etc. Since it takes me all of a few seconds to do them, I actually update it on a fairly regular basis.

That was a long explanation, wasn't it? Anyway, if you actually are interested, I've added a Twitter Badge to the side. Over there. --->

It updates live, so you can just look there to see what I'm posting about, or if you have a Twitter account, you can follow me there. So.. yeah...

Go Twitter!

My Site!

2007-10-27T23:44:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know all like two of you reading this know I've been getting my portfolio online, but I'm just so excited about it, I thought I would post here. It's pretty much done -- today Rich let me use his scanner to get in a few covers I couldn't find anywhere online, and he taught me about things like meta tags. It might make my true geek colors stand out, but it was really cool. I'm just having way to much fun with it, and it's going to be really nice to have everything in once place. I can use it both to store all my professional writing and resume, as well as a tool to help me get more freelance. So it's really cool, and I'm excited about it. :-D If you're interested in checking it out, I added a link to My Portfolio under Interesting Links, but you can also access it here: www.tonimcquilken.com.

Stargate!

2007-09-24T21:13:00.000-04:00

Hello!

I know, I've been remiss in posting. But I'm here to tell you to watch Stargate: Atlantis this Friday (Sept. 28th) at 10pm! We need to get people watching so the network will pick it up for a season 5!

In addition, they posted interviews and behind-the-scenes footage from the new movie at www.stargate.mgm.com. Go watch!

Yes, I am pimping. I joined the Team Stargate campaign to help keep my favorite show on the air. :-D

(Official Team Stargate Member)

Anatomy of a Train Ride

2007-07-01T17:35:00.001-04:00

When one unsuspecting young editor boarded a train for the city one evening last week, she got a bit more than she bargained for. This is her story, taken directly from the logs of Twitter...

● Getting ready to head into the city soon. I have a press conference to cover tonight. 02:43 PM June 27, 2007 from web
● Sitting at the train station. it's really hot and muggy. 03:22 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Heh. I actually found a network connection I could access at the train station. Cool. Screen has bad glare, but still cool. 03:26 PM June 27, 2007 from web
● On the train home. It is pouring down rain out there! 07:38 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Ugh. Train is having signal problems they say we should be moving shortly... 07:41 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● There is no service at all on the lirr right now. I am stuck at jamaica with no way home. 08:08 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Dee rocks. She is coming to get me. Lirr is still dead. No service any direction. 08:27 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● A nice man gave me part of his pretzels to eat for dinner. Still at jamaica. Dee will call when she gets closer, but its an hour drive. 08:35 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Well the train pulled away from jamaica and I called to tell dee to turn around but we only went 50 feet... I wanna go home! 09:05 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Moving again. Cross your fingers for me. 09:07 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Stopped again. :-( 09:23 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Queens village station. That is where I'm stuck now. They opened the damn doors again. 09:48 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Moving! 10:03 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● At mineola now and moving... 10:21 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Damn it they're saying there will be another delay at bethpage. Just one stop from mine. This is getting old. 10:32 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Still at bethpage. 10:52 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● You guessed it. Still at bethpage. 11:23 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● They beeped the doors to taunt us. otherwise...still at bethpage. 11:39 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Ooooooooooooo we're moving. Lets see if we can make it all the way to farmingdale and my car... 11:44 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Stopped again between stations. 11:50 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Moving now. God I'm tired. 11:51 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● Farmingdale! 11:54 PM June 27, 2007 from txt
● And so ends the journey. I just got home, and now I think I will crash. 5.5 hours to get home from a 30 minute press conference. *facepalm* 12:25 AM June 28, 2007 from web

Wow, has it really been that long?

2007-01-17T22:28:00.000-05:00

It's been a few months I know, but since the only people who read this also know how crazy my life has been the last few month, hopefully you will forgive me.

So I move this weekend, and what's the first thing I went and checked? Does Papa John's pizza deliver to the new place, and can I order it online. The answer? YES! YESYESYES! It has been TWO WHOLE YEARS since I could procure my beloved pizza with a few clicks of a mouse, charging both the pizza AND the tip to my credit card. I have missed that. I never have cash, so I never get pizza anymore.

Real pizza! I know all you NYers love the pizzaria stuff, and it is okay, but I must admit I prefer Chicago style, with a thicker crust to it.

I am so excited, I have composed a lymrick to immortalize the occasion.

Ode to Pizza

Papa John’s how I’ve missed thee
No online ordering or delivery
Now I’m moving next door
I’ll become a pizza whore
And get it every night of the week.

Flying High

2006-10-15T07:34:00.000-04:00

While flying into Chicago last night for a business trip, a few things struck me that I thought were blog-worthy.

First, travel has become easy, routine. I can remember when getting to the airport, finding your flight, getting to the hotel, etc. was all something that caused stress. I would be on edge pretty much until I arrived at the hotel and had a few moments to sleep. Then I would start worrying all over again the next day, planning out where I needed to be and how I was getting there. Now? Not so much. I've done this enough times that I know the routine. It's become a comfortable dance, one in which I know the steps and no longer have to think so hard about where I'm putting my feet. I travel quite a bit, especially in the last year and a half. I enjoy travel, seeing the world on expense account, and I jump at any opportunity to go somewhere. During the heavy travel seasons, there are times when it feels like I live more in hotels than my own apartment. And I love it. But I didn't realize how easy it has become until yesterday, when I took the time to think about it.

Second, I don't care what city it is, or what it looks like from the ground. At 10,000 feet, at twilight, any city is beautiful. We chased the sunset west yesterday, and it was an amazing view. The bright oranges, pinks, and yellows were vivid in front of us, bleeding into the deep blue of night behind us. Coming into the city, where it was already dark on the ground. everything was lit up, and it was like the ground was sparkling. I was wishing I hadn't packed my camera in the checked luggage so I could snap a few photos, but since I did, you'll just have to take my word for it. There is something almost surreal about flying in at sunset that full daylight or darkness just can't match.

Third, Chicago amuses me. My cab driver from the airport to the hotel beleived he played in the bands of pretty much all the major acts of the era that included the Temptations. And he sang parts of all the big hits from that era that he supposedly participated in. I know he has 8 daughters, all with degrees, and they want him to stop driving a cab, which he does because it is therapy. It wasn't a long cab ride, maybe 10 minutes, but it was one of the more interesting ones I've ever had. Usually the driver either ignores me or talks on the phone. This one was chatty, wanting to talk about music and his past. Well, supposed past. It makes him happy to believe it, and who knows, maybe he really is who he says he is, and knows who he says he knows. I'm not here to judge or make that assessment, all I can do is be highly amused by him. I got out grinning, and that's always a good way to start a trade show, in my opinion.

Well, it is getting time for me to pack away the laptop for hauling to the convention center. Unfortunately, my hotel didn't have any rooms for last night, so I had to stay somewhere else. Which means I get to haul my luggage to the show, find a place to leave it, then haul it to the other hotel tonight. Ug. That is really the only downside of this whole trip. My luggage is pretty heavy, I can't ever seem to travel light even when I want to, so dragging it around is never really fun. But by tonight my stuff will be safely ensconced in the room for the rest of the trip, and things will be much easier. Until then, it's almost time for me to go catch the shuttle and start my day. Whoever scheduled an 8am press conference should be shot.

I miss college.

2006-09-29T16:39:00.000-04:00

Wow, I've been prolific lately. Anyway...

I'm not sure why, but lately I've really been missing college. I freely admit I'm one of those psychos who actually enjoy classes, but that isn't really why I miss it. Lately I've caught myself thinking about the things my friends and I used to do, like heading to the 24-hour Wal-mart at 2 in the morning since it was the only thing open at the time. And that was after I was already in bed and was woken up by pounding on my door and decided, eh, what the heck. I wasn't doing anything that couldn't wait.

I've also been thinking about the places we used to go. The little local restaurants we would visit, people-watching on St. George Street, visiting our favorite stores where the owners knew our names. The waiters at one of our favorite resaurants knew we would show up around happy hour sometimes for the half-price wings and free bread with this amazing garlic butter. And we always ordered cherry cokes which they had to hand-make. I learned to tie cherry stems into knots with my tounge there on Mardi Gras one year. We convinced the waitress to bring us a whole bowl of cherries, my friend explained the concept to me, and we happily sat there and practiced until I could do it.

Good times.

I miss St. Augustine in general. On the whole, it was and remains one of my favorite cities. It's small and you can walk to pretty much all the iimportant places downtown, and that's the part where the college is. I loved living in the historic hotel that made up the main building of the school, and sitting out on the lawns on a nice day with a book listening to and watching the world go buy is a great memory. I miss the architecture of the city, mostly Spanish, with all the coquina bricks and red tile roofs. As my graduation present from college, my parents got me two paintings of the city done by a local artist that hang over my TV. I like to look at them and remember what it felt like to sit at the fort by the river with a couple of good friends, talking about nothing and watching for the wink of the lighthouse from the beach a few miles away.

I miss the inside jokes. The shared phrases and looks and things that would set us all off. I sometimes forget and will pull one out, and it always makes me a little sad when I just get blank looks from everyone around me. I have new inside jokes now, but I miss the ones from college a little.

And I guess I miss my friends. I've never been one to have a large social life. In fact, I rarely have more than one or two close friends at any given point in my life, with maybe one or two more that I'm friends with and spend time with on a regular basis. College was no different in that respect, and I actually do still keep in touch with my two closest friends from that time. But it's not the same. I miss having someone knock on my door at 2am wanting to go wander around Wal-Mart for no good reason, especially since we were too broke to actually buy anything. I miss having a little white board outside my door where friends would leave me random messages to find, or alternately, leaving those random messages for them to find.

In the end it comes down to just being a little homesick I suppose. Even after I graduated, I got a job that was only a 20-minute drive away from St. Aug, so I was still there pretty often. Now it feels so far away. No one I know is there anymore, but it's the city I miss. I'm homesick for my family too, in Tampa, but this is a little different. I always moved around so much that no one city was every really home. Home has always been wherever I happen to be at the moment. But I guess St. Aug means more than I thought it did. It sucks to live so far away that I can't just get in the car and go visit.

But I choose to be here, and I don't regret it. Its mostly more of the same things I mentioned in the previous post, about Fall, and I'll get over it. I just thought I would share.

Summer is Ending

2006-09-28T18:39:00.000-04:00

I was writing a comment over on Steve's Blog about the changing of seasons and the coming cooler weather, and I realized something. One of the reasons I have found myself battling depression lately is this very change that all you northerners seem to be so excited about.

Everyone up here I am close to has lived most if not all of their lives in the northern states. I come in for my fair share of teasing and ribbing about being a bonafide, true Floridian in the sense that I was born and rasied there as opposed to moving there after retirement. And I don't mind, because most of it is true and rather funny. But there are times when I realize that being from a southern state, at times, is like being from another country and the natives speak a very different language.

For northerners, Fall seems to anticipated and enjoyed. I know most people don't like the heat of summer, but to me, the summer here was amazing. Other than a few of the hottest days, my AC was off and my windows were open for the bulk of the season. I start to get cold when the temperature drops below around 72, so with the highs hovering in the 80s most days, this was like heaven. It was a much-needed break from being cold and achy and being forced to spend the vast majority of my time indoors. But it was such a short time. Only a few short months, and now we are firmly heading back into the cold, and this year it seems worse than last year.

This year, I know what's coming, there isn't the thrill of experiencing something new. This year, I know to expect the strings of grey, wet days with no sun, the air that almost hurts to breathe sometimes because it is so cold, my fingers aching almost constantly, the absolute terror of being asked to drive my car with ice and snow on the ground... In short, I am dreading it and this break in the weather, this change of seasons only makes me want to cry and go back in time, beg for just a few more weeks of sunshine and warmth. I only get three, maybe four, short months of comfort and happiness before I am plunged directly back into the eight to nine month stretch that is life in the north. Even spring, which has always been my favorite season, was a traitor this year, giving me only a few hints of warmth before summer overtook it and ran right over the top of it.

So for those of you who keep asking me whats wrong, and why I'm so quiet and seem so sad lately, thats a big part of it. You can laugh if you want, I understand. In the meantime, I suppose I should just give in and go dig out the blankets I only put away a few weeks ago it seems. Several never even made it into storage since I never stopped using them. Hibernation is starting to look better and better every day.

I think I'm going to go for it.

2006-09-27T10:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, November is once more National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and I think I am going to give it a shot this year. Last year I was just starting to ease back into writing fiction and was a bit intimidated by the 50,000-word goal, but this year I've done several pieces, including a joint one with Dee that is now over 120,000 words and still going (we're almost at the end though). My individual stuff is steadily getting longer, so this seems like a good challenge. Daunting, but interesting. Now I just have to decide what to write. I have several original character pieces floating around in my head, including the plot bunny I posted a while back, as well as some fanfic ideas I haven't gotten around to doing anything with yet. I'll probably go with an original, but I have a month to decide.

To keep me on track and (hopefully) somewhat accountable, I'll probably post updates here on progess once I start. We shall see. Is anyone else going to participate? It should be a lot of fun, and after its over, there will be a rough draft of a story that can be edited and refined and (gasp) possibly even finished. Wow.

Missing in Action

2006-09-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

I'm torn. I own a copy of Tim O'Brien's "The Things They Carried" that I've had since college. It has notes in the margins from where I used it in a writing class -- we were originally only going to study one story, but the whole class loved it so much, most of us went out and bought the book, and we ended up going through several more of the stories. I have been in the mood to re-read it lately, but at some point I loaned the book out.

Now it is missing.

I know I gave it to someone in my family, possibly my mother, but everyone I've asked claims they have no knowledge of it. Someone is lying because they want my notes. I know it. My dilemma is that I DO want to read it again, so do I re-buy the book? Give up on ever seeing my good friend again and lose all the interesting things (which was half the fun of re-reading it) we talked about in class, or do I hold out and ransack my parent's house when I go to visit them next time?

This isn't the first time I've had this happen either. I loaned my spiffy copy of "The Chronicles of Narnia" to my Aunt, an expensive book actually since it has all the books in the series in one volume, with the non-movies cover (I hate movie covers). I know she still has it, but do I give up on ever seeing it again and re-buy it, or do I hope that someday I'll see my book again?

This is why I hate loaning out books. I am a huge re-reader -- pretty much every book in my collection has been read through at least two or three times. I even stopped borrowing books from the library because I get irritated when I want to revisit something and I don't have it. But it is just so much worse when I did purchase the silly book, and I still can't look at it again. My family really doesn't understand this, as none of them ever re-read, so while I love them all dearly, I hate giving them books. I've already re-purchased quite a few books I loaned them and never saw again, but 'Things They Carried' is a special case. It almost hurts to lose that one because of my notes. I didn't keep notes in too many of my college texts -- that one and my Shakespeare omnibus are two of the few -- but I feel a special fondness for them, since those are the classes and subjects I really felt a connection with.

Ah well, I'll wait until Thanksgiving when I visit my parents to check I suppose. Am I the only one who gets possessive and clingy when it comes to books? Have I just confirmed my total geekiness for all those who doubted? I'm almost afraid to find out.

New Blogging Fun!

2006-08-30T22:38:00.000-04:00

It is that time again! Yup, you guessed it, I finally got around to adding the links of the new journals my friends have created over in the Additional Blogging Fun section. One of them, Super Heather, is a blog created by my good Florida friend, who fights stupid students and evil villans with style and panache.

I thought about adding David Hewlett's blog to the list (if you don't know who he is, you are a poor, deprived soul), but since I don't actually know him, I figured I'd leave it off for now. Now if it was Paul McGillion.... But as far as I know he doesn't blog, so oh well.

Anyhoo, not much else is new. I had a wonderful birthday, and I thank everyone for their kind wishes! Looking forward to the three-day weekend coming up, although I must admit I really don't have plans. Maybe I'll actually get some cleaning done. Then again, maybe not. I also have several partial stories and story ideas I haven't had time to mess with, so perhaps I'll do that instead.

Oh! I did finally get my vacation pics uploaded, but since, unlike Dee, I don't have the super-spiffy paid kodak gallery account, I can't just link you to the page. However, leave me a comment with your email if I don't have it, and I'll send you an invite which will let you view them. Be warned, there are more than 600 pics in the album, as we combined the shots taken by everyone there. But there are some good ones in there, so all is well.

Oh my.

2006-08-25T09:26:00.000-04:00

Ok, so Paul decided I needed to have a low-key kind of birthday, keep it under the table so to speak. This was his way of helping me along with that....

Note that in addition to what you see, there is bubble wrap under my chair and balloons pretty much cover the under side of my desk.

I couldn't help but laugh. I was taken completely by surprise and walked in this morning to find my cube a transformed place.

I think the entire company is finding an excuse to come walk by my desk. I am getting every variation of "Happy Birthday" and not a few people stopping to stare speechless before giggling and moving on.

Apparently I needed to be decorated too.

All in all, I must admit this totally made my day. Thanks Paul!

Cast your vote!

2006-08-07T15:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, while falling asleep last night, a little snippet of the beginning of a story drifted through my head. I really have no idea what it is or where it is going, but I don't know whether I want to pursue it or not. So I am putting it to a vote. Read the little piece of text below, and let me know if you want to see more!

************

One eyebrow shot up, amusement and amazement warring for a few seconds on her face, before amusement won out. She tried to hold the laughter in, the first few giggles coming out as muffled snorts, before she gave in.

"Ok, so not funny." His look of complete exasperation, coupled with the fact that he was covered head to toe in a gooey, dripping mud, just made her laugh harder.

"It...so...is." She managed to gasp out. She was now leaning against the wall, doubled over from laughter stomach cramps. Finally managing to get control of herself, she straightened back up.

"Are you done now? Because if so, I could really use a little help here." He was standing in the doorway, just outside the house. The martyred look, along with the tone, served only to set her off again.

"Ok, ok," she couldn't stop giggling. "You are not coming in like that. Strip off your clothes, then head to the shower." She disappeared around a corner briefly, returning with a bucket for the soiled garments that were already starting to come off. He had his back turned to the street, so he didn't see the nosy neighbor come out the check the mail, and stop to stare and the rapidly de-robing male. She smothered another bought of giggles, knowing he probably wouldn't appreciate her total and complete amusement at the entire situation.

************

That is all there was. So, is it interesting enough to make you want to hear more? Or should I not bother?

A New Story

2006-08-03T23:08:00.000-04:00

This character kind of popped into my head tonight and wouldn't go away, so I decided to give her a quick story. This is the first original character story I have done in a long time. Lately I have been writing fanfic, which is a lot of fun too. I have no plans to stop doing that, but I hope to write more original stuff as well. Eventually I will post this on fictionpress.com, but there is a waiting period before you can put anything up. So for now I will post it here. Let me know what you think!

TITLE: Lonely
AUTHOR: Girrlkitty
STATUS: Complete
RATING: G
CATEGORY: General fiction
SUMMARY: Why do we have to choose between success and love?
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR'S NOTE: It has been a while since I wrote any original characters, although I have been puttering around with a few things lately. This character was yelling too loudly not to be heard, however. I hope you enjoy, and feedback is always appreciated, good or bad! Thanks to Yllek, who gave it a quick edit for me. Any errors are mine alone.
ARCHIVE: Do not archive without the author's express permission.

Caitlin wandered restlessly around her apartment, fingers trailing through the collected dust on the shelves and books as she passed by. Wryly looking at her fingertips, she figured it was probably time to do a good cleaning, but now was not the time.

She moved back and forth through the two rooms of the small space, one a living room/kitchen/dining room/office, the other her bedroom. Her cat, Mr. Shelborne, Shelby for short, finally got tired of the pacing and flopped down in the approximate middle, where he could keep an eye on her.

Caitlin moved to the couch, deciding to try some television. She flicked through 67 channels in rapid succession, nothing managing to capture her attention. Shutting it back off, she looked around the room.

“What the Hell is wrong with me tonight?” She said it out loud more to hear the sound of a voice, any voice, than from any real desire to talk to herself. She rose again, the walls seeming more like a prison than a haven at the moment.

She waited a heartbeat, not really expecting an answer, but pausing for one anyway. Feeling more than a bit silly, she stripped, reasoning that a good shower was just what she needed.

Turning the water as hot as she could stand it, Caitlin scrubbed at her skin, enjoying the contrast of smooth suds and rough poof. She stayed in until her skin was turning pink and wrinkled, deciding she would rather get out than turn down the heat. She pulled on a pair of boxer shorts and a tee-shirt, loving how free she felt without a bra to hinder her movements.

The relaxation didn’t last long however. Before she knew it, she found herself wandering around again, touching things. She stopped to look at the photographs scattered around, of friends, of family, of good times.

She wasn’t depressed. At least, she didn’t think she was. Work was good, life was good. She knew she really had nothing to complain about. So why was she trailing around like a lost puppy dog?

As she skimmed her fingers across the spines of her books, she came to rest on one of her favorites, a gushy romance novel she would never admit to reading in mixed company.

Pulling it off the shelf, she looked at the cover art, an impossibly beautiful woman gazing longingly into the eyes of an equally impossibly handsome man.

That was really the catch, she sighed, putting it back where she had found it, plopping down on the bed to stare at the ceiling. This great life, and no one to share it with.

Growing up, she had always thought she would be married by now. She wanted the husband, the kids, the house with the proverbial picket fence. But she also wanted her career, her independence, her own place in the world. She had always thought it was possible to have both. Lately, she had begun to doubt it.

It was so unfair how men could be successful and have a family, but women, even in this day and age, still had to choose. Why should she have to choose between work she loved and love itself? She knew she was capable of doing both, why couldn’t the world see that?

Fighting back the tears and knowing she had to stop before she worked herself up, Caitlin reached up to turn off the light. She rolled over, letting the darkness hug her curves.

As she let sleep claim her, she thought back over the choices she had made, knowing that, if she could do it all over again, there wasn’t much she would change. She liked who she was, what she was. She had chosen this path, and walked it with no regrets.

She just wished there was someone beside her to point out the sights and share in the beauty of the journey.

###

Down With That!

2006-08-02T12:14:00.000-04:00

I have decided the word "that" is one of the most over-used words in the English language, at least the written form. Why do people feel the need to throw random thats into every piece they write? Even good writers make this mistake.

On average, whether I am editing a story for my magazine or betaing a piece of fic for a friend, I find myself deleting the word that over and over again. Most of the time, it is just an extra word, requiring no other work to make the sentence read-able. To me, this is the true test: if it makes sense without that, don't use it.

Not to say there aren't appropriate times and places for that. It is an important little word, as innocuous as it may seem, and it does help bridge certain ideas. That is it's purpose.

See, it works there. But to say I feel that I dislike that because that is an overused word... NO! That sentence only needs to say: I dislike that because it is an overused word. Much more succinct. Much easier to read.

If I had a quarter for every that I edit out of written materials, I would be a very rich woman. I would probably be buried in quarters and thats.

I finally realized why I don't blog very well.

2006-07-16T00:20:00.000-04:00

I was sitting here thinking tonight, as I read friends' blogs, about why I can't seem to be as prolific as other people. I think I finally realized why. Good blogs, the ones you come back again and again to read, usually look at life and muse about it. They turn observations about reality into narratives that are interesting and fun to read.

My writing, however, has nothing to do with reality.

When my thoughts wander, it isn't to contemplate the world around me, or wonder about things I see, for the most part. My wanderings take me to places that exist only in my own mind, usually to characters I have carried around with me for years now. I write and re-write plots and stories for them, concocting new adventures for them all the time. I have started putting some of those to paper, but that really doesn't lend itself to blogging.

I am not a non-fiction writer. While I think I knew this, I never really put it in those terms. Most of what goes on in my head revolves around people and places that don't exist. And what is reality-centered isn't always the types of things I want to share with the whole world.

For better or for worse, I move through a world filled with fiction. I'm sure I will get comments about needing to get back in touch with reality, etc., but I am in touch with it. It is hard to explain, but both this world and my own created worlds are real in different ways. I know my characters and places don't exist, but they are at times more real and comforting than the world around me. They can have the things I can't, be the people I'm not. They can say the things I want to, but don't have the courage to. They can keep me company when there is no one else around.

So that is why I don't blog very often. I am too busy thinking about all the stories I want to tell some day.

(waves) Yes! I am still alive!

2006-07-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I know it has been almost a full month since I updated here. My only excuse is that real life can be annoyingly busy sometimes. Besides, I haven't had anything really good to post about. I have endeavored to prevent this blog from becoming a place where I cry and whine, since who really wants to read stuff like that? So rather than bore you with details about my life, my feelings, etc., I have just not posted. Not to mention I highly doubt any of you care what level I am in World of Warcraft, or what book I am re-reading for the thousandth time.

You might, however, be intereted to know that I am actually (GASP) writing again. For pleasure. Fiction. It is a great feeling. Granted I am doing fanfic for the Stargate: Atlantis series, but you know, after not writing any of my own stuff for so long, it is a good way to get me thinking in terms of fiction instead of news stories. Things like character and plot don't really come into play when writing up the latest graphic arts awards in the city. So I am rather pleased with myself, and I already have some ideas for either new original pieces, or for going back and revamping some of my old stuff that never quite got finished.

So yeah, not even any good rants for you to read. None of my current ones are really fit for mixed company. Well, one is, but just thinking about it irritates me. (NEVER buy a Dell. Ever.) I will save that for after I don't have to deal with the idiots anymore, and can speak of it without wanting to stick a dull spork in my eyes.

(Oh, and in case you are interested: Level 60 NE Hunter, Level 42 NE Rogue, and Level 44 Tauren Druid; The Belgariad/Mallorean by David Eddings)

Oh My God This Game is Addictive.

2006-06-01T22:07:00.000-04:00

I Can't stop. I blame you, yllek, for sending me this link. It is the Monkey Game, and I find myself drawn to it over and over over. It doesn't matter how many times I successfully get the monkey to the other side. I still feel the need to go back 10 minutes later and try again, and once I start, I can't stop until the monkey is safe. I have posted the link over in my sidebar, so if you are feeling lucky check it out. But beware. The monkey will steal your soul.

Escape

2006-06-01T17:05:00.000-04:00

Why do they call it the "escape" key? What are we escaping from? It is really an "exit" key, with which we exit programs. I mean, when we quit out of something, we are making an orderly retreat, as implied by exit, as opposed to fleeing some sort of disaster, with it nipping at our heels, as escape implies. I escape burning buildings, escape from captors, even escape from work. But I exit my car, exit the grocery store, and exit the train.

Which brings me to why do they call it an emergency exit? If it is an emergency, aren't we escaping, not exiting?

Just a little Thursday afternoon musing for you.

I'm a Finalist!

2006-05-15T15:45:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I was playing the Da VInci Code Google Quest online since it was 24 puzzles you had to solve over the course of 24 days, and I happen to like puzzles. The first 10,000 to finish the 24th puzzle on the day it was released, and complete a puzzle completion/registration form, are eligible to advance to the final round, a timed set of 5 puzzles. The winner of that wins a freakin sweet prize package full of all sorts of goodies, like trips and electronics. Plus, the 10,000 all recieve a replica of the movie cryptix.

Guess who just got a cryptix in the mail?

I am so excited! I really don't expect to be the fastest to complete the final puzzles, but I am having a great time with this. And the cryptix is really nice! It is metal and actually pretty heavy. It even has a message inside! The message just tells you where to go for the final puzzle, but still, it is altogether spiffy. I snapped a few quick shots, and I apologize for the fuzziness. I am running on my way out the door to catch a train, so I didn't have time to re-take them. I will try to get better ones up later!

http://www.geocities.com/girrlkitty/PICT0434.JPG
http://www.geocities.com/girrlkitty/PICT0435.JPG

How Much Are You Worth?

2006-05-04T23:53:00.000-04:00

Me? I am apparently worth about $50,000, since that is the grand total of what I have spent on my education thus far. %50,000. That is a lot of money. When they are sending that little statement quarterly, it is just $5,000 here and $5,000 there. You don't realize how it is adding up until 6 months after graduation when you get a statement in for the unconsolidated payments. For just the first third of my loans, I was looking at monthly payments in excess of $1,200. Dang.

Fortunately, in this case at least, the federal government takes pity on the poor saps who actually had to pay for their own education.

Consolidating will hopefully get my payments in the manageable range, as there were several options to choose from. I should know the final amount in a few weeks, once all the paperwork goes through. I nearly had a heart attack this evening when I opened my mail and the first statement was that huge amount. I had known I needed to consolidate, but I thought I had another month, and for one reason or another it kept getting put off. My latest excuse was that I couldn't remember my pin to access the direct loans government site.

Let me tell you, sheer panic is a great memory enhancment.

And the scariest part is that I'm really not done yet. Oh no. I can't stop now. In a few years, once I have had time to recover fully from the 2 years I spent on my Master's, I have every intention of getting my PhD. Why? Because I can. I like learning new things, and degrees are a nice structured way to do it. Unfortunately PhD is as high as you can go. After that I guess I will have to start finding certificate programs to enroll in. There are tons of those out there.

And since my Master's cost me $24,000 more than the BA, I can only cringe at the thought of how much a PhD will cost. I will be paying loans for the rest of my natural life, and possibly into my next life. Can they track that sort of thing?

Why does education have to cost so much? It is pretty much a necessity these days to get anywhere in life, and yet more and more only the very rich can afford to do it. Unless of course you count the schmucks like me who fall for the hype and put ourselves into debt for life. Why can't the cost of education be more in line with what the actual cost of living and working is? The scary thing is that the price is only going up, too. What will our children do when it comes time for college? By then, at the rate we are going, they will be looking at $100,000 or more. How will we afford that?

Still here... Sort of.

2006-05-04T11:43:00.000-04:00

I just thought I would check in and let everyone know I am still alive. I just haven't had anything worth posting here in a while. In lieu of an actual post, I have decided to share my all-time favorite poem. Enjoy!

The Splendor Falls
Alfred, Lord Tennyson

The splendor falls on castle walls
And snowy summits old in story:
The long light shakes across the lakes
And the wild cataract leaps in glory.
Blow, bugle, blow, set the wild echoes flying,
Blow, bugle; answer, echoes dying, dying, dying.

O hark, O hear! how thin and clear,
And thinner, clearer, farther going!
O sweet and far from cliff and scar
The horns of Elfland faintly blowing!
Blow, let us hear the purple glens replying,
Blow, bugle; answer, echoes dying, dying, dying.

O love they die in yon rich sky,
They faint on hill or field, or river:
Our echoes roll from soul to soul,
And grow forever and forever.
Blow, bugle, blow, set the wild echoes flying,
And answer, echoes, answer, dying, dying, dying.

Wow.

2006-04-22T20:09:00.000-04:00

People are actually reading my stories. And writing to me to say they liked them. Wow. Just...wow. Other than a few close friends, I haven't ever really let anyone see my fiction, since I don't really think it is great. But I have gotten over 300 hits between the two little fics I posted. That is a lot of people! All reading my stuff! I am torn between wanting to write more, and wanting to hide...

I will probably go with the writing more, since hiding is a bit impractical, and would get boring after the first few days. Thanks Dee, for forcing me to write, and then to post. I had forgotten how much I love doing it, and while I think all those people who think my stuff is good are a bit off in the head, it DOES make me want to find a new plot line to tell. Or to go work on one of the three original projects I have floating around.

On a different note, I just got my new speakers and amp/subwoofer hooked up today. Oh. My. Goodness. These things rock! I didn't know music could sound this good! I am quite enjoying the experience of listening, and even have it on in the background instead of the tv while I am surfing the Internet. And as good as these things sound, Jeff, my client, said that after about 50 hours of break-in time, they will sound even better. I am just so excited! I keep thinking of new things I want to listen to on them!

If anyone is interested, the speakers are a pair of Aperions, and the sub/amb is an iCub, and I am running them off of aperion speaker wires, with the iPod connected via a dock and optical Monster Cable for the actual music. I need to get another cable to hook these puppies up to the TV too. (swoon) It is official, I have succumbed to a new level of geekiness, the depth of which I never thought I would reach.

I'm Not the Only One! Bad Poets Unite!

2006-04-18T09:55:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I choose a little different structure for my bad poems, but it is nice to know I'm not the only one jumping at the chance to compose bad poetry.

Fibonacci Poems Multiply on the Web After Blog's Invitation

I
like
knowing
that I'm not
the only one who
enjoys doing this sort of thing.

Pictures

2006-03-30T14:20:00.000-05:00

I just uploaded all my pictures, and I thought I would share a few here. I have been dying to test out the picture features of blogger, so this is the perfect opportunity!

This is the Ratskeller, which is a type of "city hall", has a restaurant in the celler, and is the home of the famous Glockenspiel clock. In the background you can see the Frauenkirche, otherwise known as the "onion domes."

Here is a closer shot of the Frauenkirche. I loved the way the branches of the trees silouhetted against the church, and I was having fun with perspective a bit.

We visited one of the museums while we were there, the Antikensammlungen (what a mouthful!), and this was one of the items on display. I was learning how to use the macro feature on my camera, and I just really liked the way this shot came out.

Since I dont want to bog blogger down too much, I won't post anymore pics here. I uploaded them to kodakgallery.com however, so if you really want to see the rest, you can go Here!

I made it!

2006-03-30T07:32:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to post a quick update this morning that I did, in fact, make it home last night. I am here safe and sound, and will be back to the normal routine today!

In Route from Germany...

2006-03-29T12:04:00.000-05:00

I am, at this moment, on a plane over the Atlantic. I am in the middle seat, which I had both ways, and I am 4 hours into a 9 hour journey. The woman in front of me has her seat ALL the way down, so I am cramped, and can either type and hope I make no mistakes, or see my screen. Because of the angle, I really can’t do both at the same time.

So much for the unpleasant stuff.

The trip itself has been great! The weather sucked for most of it, but that was ok. We were at events held by the company whose open house we were attending for most of it, although we had some time yesterday to wander around Munich on our own. That rocked. I never thought I would ever get to go once, much less go back again less than a year after the first time. It was a bit surreal to tell you the truth!

We wandered around the city in the rain and took lots of pictures, and actually took the time to do some leisurely shopping, both window and actual. I bought far too much chocolate. Fortunately, most of it will go to others as gifts.

We also made it to one of the museums, as well as hit a few locations we missed last time. It was a lot of fun, despite the cold, since we were able to be a bit more casual about it. Last time we were trying to cram as much as possible into just a few days. This time, we didn’t have to hit it all.

I must admit, I am feeling pretty jet lagged at this point. I was there just long enough to get to the point where I was able to get some decent sleep last night, and now I am heading back again, to another time zone. Considering Munich was 7 hours ahead, that is pretty significant. I will be awake tomorrow morning, but I am not sure how long I will last. We shall see, and everyone can make fun of me to your hearts’ content when I am falling asleep at 3 or 4 in the afternoon.

Now, you may be wondering how I am able to post this from about 30,000 feet up. Well, Luftansa, my airline, is the first to offer on-board wireless access. Heaven. I just wish my battery life was longer!

Anyway, I will see everyone when I get back!

Podcasts

2006-03-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have been resisting the idea of podcasts for a while now, but I have decided to finally give the suckers a try. However, there are so many out there, I really have no idea where to start or how to find good podcasts. So I figured I would see if any of my friends out there listen to and/or would recommend a few to get me started. If I come across any on my own, I will post them here for you as well. With that in mind, I will get the ball rolling with a video podcast I found on iTunes that amused me. Called Vintage Tooncast, the author finds old cartoons that have passed into the public domain from the 30s and 40s. They are short, and so far I have only watched Felix and Mighty Mouse, but I love the idea behind this. The cartoons are all short, so they make for a quick laugh any time you need one.

Now it is your turn my fellow bloggers! What podcasts can't I live without?

So many people, so many stories

2006-03-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

I love riding the train and going into the city. There is the usual thrill of the hustle and bustle, as well as whatever event I am there for, but more than that, I love to watch all the people. You see them walking by on the sidewalks, going into stores, riding in cabs...And every single one of them is their own story. I can't help but wonder what they are doing, where they are going. Are they enjoying themselves, or are the irritated? What problems are they facing? What excites them, what makes them laugh?

It is even more fun on the train, especially at night, when you pass buildings with lights on. You catch glimpses of lives through open windows, a tv flickering, a vase of flowers, a messy desk. Never more than a glimpse as you fly by, but enough to understand that a person live there. And you will never know who they are, what they are thinking, what their live is really like. All you can do is wonder.

Think about it. You pass probably hundreds, if not more, people in the car every day. Have you ever looked over and wondered what that person was thinking? What did they have for breakfast that morning? Are they a morning person, or did they roll out of bed grudgingly? Who are they talking to on the cell phone? When that man waves his arms around while talking to the passenger, is he just like that normally, or is he really agitated over something?

I think that is one of the reasons I love to write. I can't meet every single person on Earth and hear their story, but I can try to imagine them. Character more than anything else is what I love to both read about and to write. Plot is important only so far as it is necessary to let the character grow and develop. And anyone who has read my work will note that I generally don't do a lot of "scene setting" as that is very secondary to me. I give you enough that you have some context for what is going on, but then I rush back to the character, to learn what drives them, how they are reacting to the situation.

The world is a beautiful, ugly, peaceful, chaotic place, and it spawns every concieveable type of person and situation. How can you not wonder how about it?

Mwa ha ha!

2006-03-16T17:23:00.000-05:00

I have discovered the wide world of blog templates. Now I can subject you all to an ever-changing blog look and feel, every time I get bored with the old one!

Painted lines?

2006-03-16T07:31:00.000-05:00

Have you ever stopped to think that, while zooming along at 70+ miles per hour, other cars packed around you, sometimes as close as a half-foot away, the only thing that keeps us from running into each other are painted stripes? How did this sort of behavior evolve? How was this considered a good idea? Were the first highway planners sitting around asking themselves what the best way would be to prevent crashes, and some guy in the back pops up with a "Eureka!" cry, and proceeds to outline how paint is all they need?

Think of all the other problems we could solve in life if the same principle applied. Someone trying to invade you? Paint a solid yellow line across your border, and you are completely safe! Prisons getting too crowded? Group them all togehether and paint a big circle around them. Much cheaper than a building! Workers keep wandering away from their desks? Have someone come in a paint lines across their doors when they get in, and erase them at the end of the day!

Am I the only one who is a bit disturbed by the fact that only paint keeps us from dying in a horrific car crash?

Belly Dancing

2006-03-14T22:53:00.000-05:00

I have decided that belly dancing is the ultimate form of dance expression. It celebrates the female form, no matter what age, race, weight or boob size a woman might have. Every woman who tries it immediately feels sexy and sensual. And any woman who attempts it will usually get the immediate and undivided attention of any males in the room, or so I have been told. The only male I ever danced in front of was my brother when I arrived home after a class and wanted to show off the new move I had mastered. He told me if I didn't stop, he was going to gouge his eyes out, since that was not the sort of thing a sister is supposed to know how to do. Of course, he said the same thing when I would stretch and do a few yoga moves to loosen up stiff muscles, so I take his opinion with a grain of salt.

In addition to the sexy factor, belly dancing is a great form of exercise. There are moves to work every muscle in the body, one by one, ensuring an overall workout. Plus you have the cardio factored in from moving all around constantly. So the more you do it to feel sexy, the sexier your body becomes. Perfect!

I actually considered joining a troop once, before my last job went to hell and I ended up dropping everything and moving north. Not only would you get to put "professional belly dancer" on your resume, it was a great way to get training to go beyond the ameteur level. What really stopped me was that the troop required you to buy your costume up front from a specified dealer. And while her costumes were of exceptional quality, they carried an exceptional price tag. For something that would be no more than a weekend job to make a little extra cash and have a little fun, it wasn't worth it.

Bottom line: I loved doing it, and I miss it. Rachel found a class that starts in the summer, and Liz mentioned she might be interested too, so I think I will ask them again. In the meantime, I will have to settle for dancing around my apartment when I am home alone on the weekend, making the cats wonder if I have lost my mind.

Have it Your Way

2006-03-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am thoroughly amused by the new print campaign Burger King has on its various cups, bags, etc. They are actually funny, mocking themselves and the general way fast food restuarants market their goods. For example, on the cups:

Maybe you want a lot of ice. Maybe you want no ice. Maybe you want your top securely fastened, or maybe you want to go topless. Hmmmm? Maybe you want to mix Coke and Sprite. Maybe you want to let your cup runneth over (we wish you wouldn't). Whatever you do, make sure to have things your way.

I'm not sure why that makes me smile every time I see it. And I just read the bag for the first time today, which equally amused me:

Getting fresh hot food is exciting. But for some it can be too much to handle, leading to heavy breathing, lightheadedness and in a few cases, fainting. If you feel you're getting much to excited here's what to do: quickly remove the contents of this bag. Hold it up to your mouth. And slowly breathe in and out. Once you've calmed down, put down the bag, finish your meal and try concentrating on other things like slow-flowing streams or sleeping kittens.

I think what tickles me about this is the sheer randomness of it. It goes hand-in-hand with the campaign they kicked off during the Superbowl, with a rather abusrd commercial, and a theme song that took great pleasure in being totally ridiculous. If you haven't seen it, check it out here.

All in all, I find I respect a company who can make fun of itself a little more than one who takes itself too seriously. The marketing department is showing that they have a sense of humor, and you know what, it works. I don't generally go to Burger King, but lately when I crave greasy fast food, I find myself thinking of them first. So kudos to whomever came up with this idea!

The Art of Self Delusion

2006-03-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to wonder if everyone else practices self deception. I have had several conversations lately, which got me thinking, about happiness and optimism, and how hard it is to BE happy when there is so much grief in the world. I had a hard time answering that, since I am happy most of the time. But when I really started thinking about it, I realized that while I am aware of and live in "reality", I am very good at ignoring anything that makes me unhappy or upset, or any of those negative emotions. I just convince myself that they don't bother me.

It is kind of hard to explain, since I know the first reaction of anyone reading this will be that I live in denial, or that I am a bit "not all there." It is hard to put into words how I can be both aware of the bad stuff and ignore it at the same time. Have you ever heard the song 'Imaginary' by Evanesence? That is kind of what I am talking about.

It is not only a method of enjoying life, it is also a form of self-defense. If I don't like something, I can either pretend it doesn't exist, or convince myself it doesn't matter. For example: public speaking. In reality, it terrifies me. However, I simply tell myself I don't mind doing it, and behave as if I don't mind it, so in the end, I am able to do it with no problems. I think that may be the key: acting as if you believe your own deceptions, even while acknowledging, to yourself at least, that they are deceptions. But then, whether you believe them or not, if that is the only face you show the world, does that, in fact, make the deception true?

These are the kinds of things I think about when driving to and from work. It is a long, boring drive.

Is any of this making any sense? I guess that is why I waited so long to post it. It is hard sometimes to put a feeling into words, or to describe the different masks we wear and how that effects us. Or maybe I am the only one. Maybe I do, willingly, see the world through the proverbial rose-colored glasses, knowing the tint of everything is off, but choosing not to care, since while I can't change the real color, I can at least impact how I perceive it.

Due to popular demand

2006-02-21T16:31:00.000-05:00

I have opened up my blog to comments from people who don't have a blogger account. In my own defense, I had set it that way because I kept getting blog spam, which annoyed the crap out of me. But I also didn't have word verification on, so I am hoping that the verification will keep the spammers at bay, while still allowing my non-blogger friends to comment. Enjoy, and please, be kind!

Dee Made Me Do It

2006-02-18T23:45:00.000-05:00

After almost a year of trying, she finally got me to write fanfic! It is kind of nice to be writing about something other than printers and inks though.

TITLE: It Always Hurts
AUTHOR: Girrlkitty
STATUS: Complete
RATING: G
CATEGORY: General, angst
SUMMARY: Carson Beckett comes to grips with losing patients
SPOILERS: None
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first foray into writing fanfic, so be kind! Feedback is appreciated. Special thanks to Dee and Yllek, who guilted me into writing, then were kind enough to beta for me.
ARCHIVE: Do not archive without the author's express permission.
DISCLAIMER: The Stargate, SGA, the Wraith, and all characters that have appeared in the series STARGATE ATLANTS, together with the names, titles, and back story, are the sole copyright property of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc., the SciFi Channel, and Acme Shark. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea, and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

Dr. Carson Beckett stood on a balcony and watched the sun heave its way out of the ocean. If only everything in life could be that predictable.
It had been a long night, but he couldn’t go face sleep just yet. Exhaustion warred with his fear of the dreams. He had added a few more to the list of those he had lost, and that always ended up coming out as soon as he closed his eyes. Rest was anything but restful, and he knew it would take a few days, weeks, months, before he could sleep soundly or easily again.

The day had started out quiet enough. The infirmary had no pressing patients, just the usual bruises and headaches. And he knew – thought he knew – there would be nothing major coming in, since Colonel Sheppard and his team, the problem children, were firmly on Atlantis ground.

He had been catching up on paperwork, with vague ideas about seeing if Rodney wanted to get some dinner and play checkers later. He liked checkers, since it was a game he had a halfway decent change of beating the man at.

That was when his headset had beeped, with Elizabeth shouting for a medical team to the gateroom stat. After a startled moment, jarred out of his reverie, he mobilized his team and ran to see what was wrong.

It was a Major he didn’t know very well, who led a team of Marines he didn’t know that well, on a mission he knew next to nothing about. Apparently the planet they thought was uninhabited did, in fact, have current occupants. And their hospitality left something to be desired.

Two of them were gone before Carson even had a chance to get them to the infirmary. They died as he watched, helpless to save them, to fix things, make them better. He had to move on, to the next patient, the next problem.

Another, despite all the resources they could bring to bear, died an hour later. The last, the Major, was still alive, and stable for the moment, but he was badly injured. Carson never did get the specifics of what had happened, and he was honest enough with himself to know that he wouldn’t try to find out. His dreams didn’t need more fuel.

With a sigh, he pushed off the railing, brushing away the traces of moisture staining his cheeks, and went back inside. He might not want to succumb to sleep, but he knew better than to push himself. He had a patient who would need him at his best, or at least close, later in the day.

And after all, if he staggered, let himself get lost in the grief, he wouldn’t be there to put everyone else back together. And losing someone through negligence would be worse than having them die with their blood flowing through his fingers.
####

Boing!

2006-02-06T14:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am high on too much caffeine, and I thought I would chronicle the experience. I am sure everyone has experienced this at some point: the feeling that you can't sit still, like you are in fast forward or the world is in slow motion, and your chest feels like it has someone pushing on it. Or maybe I am the only one, who knows. All I can tell you is that right now, my nerves are shot and I can't stop bouncing. That is what I get for drinking 3 cups of coffee after having none all weekend. I was overcompensating for a bad caffeine headache yesterday I guess. And while I am at it, I apologize for any great leaps of topic, as I can't seem to focus on anything for more than a few minutes, or spelling errors, since to be honest my brain is moving a bit faster than my fingers can go. I am working hard to force myself to slow down enough to proof-read a bit, so maybe it won't be so bad. We shall see. I think part of the problem too is that all I really had to eat all weekend was muffins. Well, except Applebees last night, but the rest of the time I just ate muffins. And not even very many of those. I was out of food, and that was all I could whip together. I like muffins -- have you ever tried the Cinnabon flavor? Those are the ones I made. I burned them though, since I checked them and they were underdone, and 5 minutes later they were burned on the bottom. But it is ok, I can cut the bottoms off and they are just fine. They have the crubly stuff on top, which is quite tasty. I'm glad that part didn't get burned.

Wow, you know, it occurs to me that that is a large wall of text. Sorry about that. I will try not to do that again. Or better yet, I should probably not blog when I am this out of it. But I am very productive at work! Or at least I was this morning. I am having a harder time this afternoon. It is harder to channel the energy a second time once you have lost focus I guess.

Ok, stopping now. I am beginning to scare myself...

Snapple Side Note

2006-01-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

A completely random and useless side note for you: I came across a blog devoted to posting nothing but Snapple Facts off the bottle caps. I was amused.

Gasp, gasp, puff puff

2006-01-24T16:41:00.000-05:00

Oh man am I out of shape! Just walking up a few flights of stairs has me breathing hard. And I just walked, I didn't run!

When did we, as a nation, get so out of shape? My guess is that it started about the same time companies started extending the hours employees were required to work, and shortened the lunch break at the same time. The era of 9-5 with an hour for lunch is laughable today. We are lucky to get 9-5:30 with a half-hour, and that is when you are lucky. All those countless hours sitting still in front of a computer with no reason or even means to move can have a tremendous negative impact on the body.

And it hasn't been all that long a time period in which it happened. I remember my first editor telling me about when he got his start in newspapers, how people would show up around 10 or 11, usually hung over, go for several-hour-long lunches, then head home or out to the bars around 5 or 6. How they managed to get anything done, I'll never know. But while that was the people who were drinking, think about those who took that time to get out and take a walk, or go to the gym? No wonder we, as a nation in general, were in better shape 20 years ago.

Sure, there are some people today who get up at ungodly hours to go work out, or who somehow find the time after work to set aside an hour or more for exercise. More power to them, and I wish I knew how they did it.

So, despite my belief that the only reason we have mornings at all is to prevent the night and afternoon from bumping into each other, I have started sacrificing a few minutes of precious sleep every morning to get in a little exercise. Right now I only do about 10 minutes worth, maybe a little less. But I am hoping that doing it 5 times a week will help, at least in part, to counteract the sitting-at-desk syndrome. Over time my goal is to add more time and more intensive exercises to the mix, but I am going to do it in baby steps. And try to take the stairs more often....

I hate that out-of-breath feeling, especially when you know you really shouldn't be. I don't know how long I will keep this up, but hopefully actually posting it here will shame me into continuing. Feel free to heckle me about it should you discover I have slacked off.

My Apologies

2006-01-20T15:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, I would like to apologize for the bad lymricks below. My only excuse is that I was hyped up on cold medication, and my head really wasn't firmly on my shoulders where it should have been. So I am sorry for any injury my bad poetry may have caused, and I assure you I will do my best to ensure it doesn't happen again.

This is What Happens

2006-01-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

Sudafed is a wonderful drug
My senses wrapped up in a rug
I pen verses that rhyme
To pass the time
While sipping tea in a mug.

Tea with Honey

2006-01-18T10:40:00.000-05:00

Ah, lemon tea with honey
good for when the nose is runny
I sip all day through
this marvelous brew
the color of a day that is sunny.

Illness

2006-01-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

This must be some kind of trick
To feel this horrible ick
All achy and sore
I can't take any more
Man I really hate being sick.

Ode to a Hot Shower

2006-01-18T10:23:00.000-05:00

With your steamy water so hot
The chills and aches I have not
Down the drain they all go
Washed away with the soap
Now my muslces are not one big knot.

A Few Thoughts

2006-01-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, I seem to be getting into a lot of conversations about relationships lately with just about everyone, which, for lack of anything better to do while driving to and from work, has got me thinking. I have come up with a few general observations I thought I would share.

1. Too many people seem to be obsessed with the superficial to the extent that they discount the things that really count. When talking about dating, people talk about how they want a guy who looks like 'this', or a girl who owns 'that'. They refuse to even consider dating someone who does not fit that profile, and to me that seems as silly as saying 'I refuse to date anyone who doesn't like the color blue.' Superficial things like looks or what they own or even their deodorant preferences can be negotiated and changed if they bother you that much. Instead, it seems like more people would find long-term happiness if they didn't worry so much about that stuff and instead focused on things like a sense of humor, or similar tastes in recreational activities.

2. Which leads me into my second, similar observation. Stereotypes. When people describe their 'perfect' mate, they usually choose a stereotype of some sort, like 'Italian male' or 'party girl'. Why would you want to date a stereotype though? Talk about boring -- there would never be a sense of wonder or excitement because you would be dating someone who always reacted the way you predicted they would. And that is assuming you could even find said stereotype out there. I hate to be the one to have to say this, but that only exists on television, not in real life.

3. The perfect person doesn't exist. And quite frankly even if they did, I wouldn't want to date them. I'm not perfect, why would I want the stress of dating someone who was? Refusing to date unless someone fits perfectly into the little box you have created to describe "mate" means you will either never date anyone at all, or you will sabotage every relationship when the other person doesn't live up to your every expectation.

4. No relationship will be without its irritations. I have the benefit of growing up with parents who are best friends as well as lovers, and they still have things about each other that irritate them. The trick isn't to find someone with no qualities that might get on your nerves, but to find someone who is willing to negotiate compromises with you, to say "ok, this irritates me about you, but I know this thing I do irritates you, so lets agree to both work on it."

5. It is never easy. A good relationship is work. If you expect it to always be easy and run every time it gets hard, you will be running all your life. Not to say there aren't times and relationships that just can't be fixed. But if two people love each other, they should be willing to talk about it and try to find a solution they can both live with before just calling it quits.

6. Time is not as big of a deal as people seem to think it is. There isn't a timetable for when you must or must not be with someone. On the flip side, if you truly care about someone, lack of time becomes less of an issue. Does it suck if you can't spend a lot of time together? Of course. But when you care about someone, you don't begrudge them what they have to do, or even that they have other friends they want to visit with, and you take what you can get and are grateful for it.

7. Everyone has their own defense mechanism for avoiding getting hurt. Some people hide it better than others, but everyone has them. None of us are completely without issues. The trick is to know what your own defenses are, since then you can try to work past them. I freely admit I have a hard time with this one myself. Yes it is easier just to stick with what you know and not get hurt, but that isn't always the right decision, and who knows what you are missing out on.

8. If you don't know who you are as an individual, how can you be part of a couple? I have never understood that drive to not have any real personality outside of your identity as "so-and-so's boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse." How can you possibly be someone's 'other half' if you have no idea what your half really looks like? How can you give your heart to someone if you never really knew what it held in the first place?

Memories

2006-01-09T10:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, I was posting a response on Steve's blog about Red Light-Green Light, and that got a whole slew of childhood memories coming up to the surface. It is amazing the things we remember from childhood, and the things we forget. For example, I remember the yard of our house in Georgia, and the layout of the house. I remember my Mom learning to make fried ice cream one year, and I remember making forts out of the kitchen table. But I don't really remember parties or celebrations, or any of the big stuff I am sure happened there.

It is funny how the mind works, how we store away memories and experiences for recall later. You would think we would either remember everything or nothing, as that is how data storage is supposed to work. But instead, we remember imperfectly, with some memories remaining clear and crisp, while others fade into oblivion. Heck, we even change our own memories sometimes, choosing to remember something as we wish it had happened, until the original memory is forgotten for the new one. We convince ourselves that this is the truth.

Then there are the things that can trigger memories. Like seeing something that reminds you of something else, or, like now, talking about one thing, which unleashes a chain reaction of memories you thought long buried. But how does that work? Is there a finite limit on how long memories will last? They fade over time, but is that because newer memories push them to the back, crowding them out, or is it something else? Why is it that memories like those from childhood that you never think about anymore can come back so clear and real? Are the memories really fading, or just being filed away for future reference, with some of them getting misfiled or the "card catalog" getting the wrong notation, so we can't find them again?

Or memories shape us, make us who and what we are. They influence every decision we make, every step we take in life. They contribute to our confidence and are the root of our weaknesses. They define our sense of self, so why are some, usually the more trivial, the ones that remain so clear, so easy to recall? Is it because the trivial memories simply supplement the major experiences, put them in perspective so our minds can properly process everything?

And what will we remember about today? Last week? These memories are still sharp and easy to recall, but they will slowly be pushed out by newer, more recent memories. Last year is fuzzier than yesterday, and will get fuzzier still next year. But yesterday will become last year eventually, and will fade as well. What will we remember 10 years from now? Maybe that is why blogs have become such a big thing -- the obsession with memory and capturing it before it has a chance to leave us.

Tired. Just tired.

2006-01-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have gone from being frustrated to upset to annoyed to just plain defeated today. I am too tired to post the whole thing, but suffice it to say I got a scoop, said scoop was controversial, the subject of said scoop made a few empty threats, the company caved and took my scoop away. They didn't decide against running the story because it was a bad story or not relevant, but because it could, and I stress the minute possibility of could, cost the company money.

It goes against every journalistic ethic I have to give up on a story because it was unfavorable toward a person and they objected to it running. I'm sorry, if you don't want bad news reported about you, don't do stupid, newsworthy things. Just because you think no one will find out doesn't mean we won't. It is my JOB to find them out, then tell other people about them.

I am just feeling a bit discouraged. If I'm not allowed to report on bad news because someone might sue us, even if all the facts are correct and they have no legal legs to stand on, then what does that make me? A parrot for PR people? A copy editor who just fixes grammar and spelling? Why should I bother looking for and reporting on good stories? What difference will it make if I can't tell them?

I am sure I will feel better in the morning, but tonight I'm not ok with it. I know there is nothing I can do about it, that the decision was made and that is that. But that doesn't stop it from depressing me. Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

New link!

2005-12-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, to get to the the neat part of Tokyo Plastic, click on the japanese at the top, then click on whatever is clickable until you get to the main menu, which looks like a creepy tree. Click on the upper right thingy that says drum machine. It is worth the hassle of navigation. :-)

My brother showed me this. He found it floating around the Internt; it was done as an attempt to see just what the Flash format will do.

Much as I hate to admit it...

2005-12-23T12:51:00.000-05:00

Paul, you were right. I shouldn't have looked ahead on the calendar. While there were no major catastrophes getting to Florida (I am safely at my parent's house now!), this was not the smooth and easy trip I have become accustomed to.

First off, my father originally booked the flight, and apparently he decided at some point to change the DATE of my flight without letting me know. I got to the airport at 5:30 in the morning to be told that I wasn't scheduled to go out until tomorrow. I begged, and showed them the my ticketless itinerary with my confirmation number showing me leaving today. After all was said and done, they got me on standby for the flight I thought I was booked on. At the last minute, as the last few people were boarding, they finally told me I had a seat.

So I get on the plane and think, wow, it is a middle seat, but it is near the front. I should have known better. The gentleman seated next to me decided to talk the ENTIRE 2+ hour trip. Even though I had a book out and was trying to read. When that didn't work, I put on my headphones and pulled out my PDA to play solitaire. He continued to talk and gesture to me through that. When the captain told us to turn off electronic equipment, he proceeded to tell me about the pools and trucks on the ground, and how they were getting bigger. Then pointed out the horizon to me. X_X no, he wasn't "special" or anything, and he had flown before. I think he was bored, and irritating me was a new hobby.

Then, while the plane landed early (yay to getting off!), my ride was still quite far away. I collected my luggage, all of which was searched, and stood outside to wait for a while. My ride finally arrived, and thus far, nothing else wonky has happened.

So that is my travel story for the day. I must admit, even as that guy was annoying the crap out of me, giving me his life story, pointing out the obvious, repeating EVERYTHING they announced on the intercom, and commenting EVERY time how funny they were, through all that I was thinking I couldn't wait to get somewhere with an Internet connection, because I had to get this blogged.

So Paul, next time I try to look ahead on the calendar, smack me. I give you permission, and I won't get mad.

Visitors from the Future?

2005-12-22T11:07:00.000-05:00

I am not sure what made me think of this while driving in to work this morning, but I thought I would share. A few years ago in Jacksonville, a bar had an interesting idea. They decided to host a time-travel party. The concept was to promote the party heavily in as many media as they could so there would be a record of it in various archives. The idea was that if time travel is ever possible in the future, people could find a record of the party and travel back in time to attend it.

The biggest flaw with the idea was that they didn't promote it enough. I saw the posters up but didn't find out what they were for until about 6 months after the event. They needed more promotion and coverage in more national-level mediums, or even online. This way, their catch phrase of "who will attend?" would become well-known and have more of a likelihood of surviving far enough into the future to be plausible.

I am not sure which would be more amazing: if someone from the future had actually shown up at the party, or if the current-time-period attendees were surprised when they didn't.

Nevertheless, it was a neat concept for a party, and I thought I would share.

Winter Activities I Would Like to Try

2005-12-12T11:19:00.000-05:00

Talking to people about various winter acitivites has made me realize I needed a list of things I want to try during the winter months that I have never done before. This has the added benefit of giving me a reason to look forward to more snow. Feel free to add any you thing I missed, as I am sure there are a lot!

1. Sledding.
2. Ice skating.
3. Build a snowman.
4. Have a snowball fight.
5. Take pictures of snow-covered landscapes.
6. Go stargazing (I have heard that up north, during the winter months is the best time/place for this.)
7. Build a Snow Fort.

Brightening a Child's Season

2005-12-09T16:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is my yearly plug for my pet charity, called Child's Play. It was started a few years ago by a few gamers who also run a web comic, who were tired of the media always portraying the "gamer" community as drunk and/or violent people apt to go on a rampage at any given moment. They started out hoping to collect a few toys for their local children's hospital in Seattle, and were overwhelmed by the toys and donations that came in from around the world. And it has only gotten bigger every year since. It is easy to donate if you are so inclined, just visit the site, choose the children's hospital you are interested in helping, and that link take you to an Amazon wish list. Pick your toy and off it goes, you are all done!

It doesn't take much, just one small toy can bring hope and laughter to a child who otherwise is just hurting and in pain.

Just thought I would share, since this is the one charity I make a point of being involved in every year. And I figured since I have a blog, I might as well use it to tell other people about them. Helping other people makes me happy, and these kids need as much help as we can give them.

Winter Wonderland. Yeah right.

2005-12-05T12:40:00.000-05:00

Snow. It is something I am sure all you northerners take for granted. It is part of your yearly routine, nothing you probably give much thought to beyond shoveling it and whatnot. But I grew up far away from snow. In fact, it was in the 70s at my parent's house this past weekend. They went to a picnic. I have celebrated Christmas in shorts and a tee-shirt before, going for a quick dip in the pool after opening presents.

I have to admit, the coming winter months terrify me, because I don't know what to expect, not really. I have seen the movies and the news reports, and people can tell me what it is like, but until I make it through this first winter, it is all foreign to me. I feel at times like everyone around me is speaking a foreign language with words like shoveling and salting and scrapers, but the only thing I know how to say in this language is "how far to the palace," a singularly useless phrase.

I used to joke about wanting a white Christmas to my family, but it was always in the context of one day of snow which would quickly melt away, to be enjoyed from inside a warm house filled with family. Not months on end of cold and wet, not driving on ice and the terror that I am going to kill myself or someone else while driving to or from work.

I think the whole thing is made worse by having to face it essentially alone. Yes I have good friends who will make sure I at least have the tools I need to survive the season. And yes, I do have some extended family up here, some of whom I am close to. But my friends will all be at their own homes dealing with their own winters, and my family has enough to handle already -- they are busy trying to keep my cousin's flagging spirits up as she continues her fight against breast cancer. I can't add to that burden by asking them to take care of me too. So I have to wake up each morning and face that sea of white by myself. Most of the time I can ignore being alone, I can convince myself that I don't really need anyone else, that I am just fine on my own. And most of the time, I get by. But there are times, like this, that really make me wish I had someone to wake up next to. Someone to laugh at me as I shiver in the morning, to make me laugh as I scrape snow off my car. Someone to come home to at night to keep me warm and remind me that I am safe.

Meh, I guess it all comes down to being a bit homesick, the first real bout of it I have had since I moved up here. Considering I am now in my 10th month up here, I guess that is a good thing, and I have you, my friends, to thank for that, for welcoming me and making me feel right at home. But I am very close to my immediate family, and being so far away this time of year, with the holidays upon us, is hard sometimes. I wish they were here with me to face the winter.

Sorry for such a maudlin post. I guess I just needed to get it out. I promise we will return to our regular schedule of upbeat, positive and happy shortly.

Sleep? What's that?

2005-11-14T17:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is just a quickie to say sorry for not posting much lately! Life has sort of reared up and smacked me around, and it isn't quite done yet. Hopefully after Thanksgiving it will return to a somewhat normal pace, and I will actually be able to stop and breathe once in a while again, an activity I miss greatly.

So know that I am not gone forever, just doing my best to juggle everything that needs to get done and not have a nervous breakdown in the process. I will be back!

Decisions, Decisions

2005-11-02T11:23:00.000-05:00

On the way home from work yesterday, several thought processes collided with each other and produced a rather interesting result I thought I would share. The first thoughts were on my current class. We are discussing decision-making and all the of the work that goes in to making decisions in business. The second thoughts were on the fact that it was now November, and wondering where this year has gone.

That got me to thinking about all the decisions I have made this year, and wondering what life would be like if I had made them differently. Would I be more happy? Less? Would I have made the same friends?

We spend our days making decisions of one sort or another. We decide to get up when the alarm goes off (or not). We decide what to wear, what route to take in to work. We decide to speed up or hit the brakes. We decide what to eat for breakfast, what order we do our work in. In fact, I can't think of a single time in the day when we aren't making a decision of one sort or another, most, admittedly, very minor. But a decision implies a choice of some sort. To make a decision means you are taking one path over another. But what lies down that unwalked path?

Life probably wouldn't be much different when it comes to the minor decisions, like hitting snooze one more time. These don't have a huge impact on the direction our lives take. But some decisions have a profound effect. At this time last year, I was just learning that my old magazine was being sold. I still didn't know I wouldn't be going with it. I didn't know who the new owner would be. I assumed I would be living in Jacksonville, FL, in my house, for at least the next several years. But all that changed. I didn't get along with the new owner, and we decided to part ways. That was a big decision for me. Then I had to make the very difficult decision to accept a job in N.Y., thousands of miles away from everything and everyone I have ever known. How would my life be different if I hadn't taken this job? I had another offer in Orlando I choose not to take, despite the fact that it was at "home". But if I had made that decision, I would still be in Florida, I would never have met all the great friends I now have up here. I wouldn't have gone to Germany, or have seen and done all the exciting things this past year held for me. My life would be completely different from what it is right now.

We can never go back and change the past, and to be honest I don't want to. But I must admit to a burning curiosity that will never be filled about what life COULD have held if I had simply choosen B instead of A.

I don't think you can walk around worried about decisions and the impact they make, as that would paralyze you from acting, and perversly, the decision not to act is still a decision. I don't have many regrets in life, since I always try to make the best decision I can at the time, and if it is wrong, I don't dwell on it -- I do my best to fix it and move on. All we can really do I guess is decide to live life as best we can, and hope for the best.

A little morbid

2005-10-22T00:34:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who, when faced with nothing else to do, comes up with disaster scenarios, each one more morbid than the last? I found myself on the train riding home from the city tonight with nothing to read, and too brain dead to engage in my other bored past time -- composing stories in my head. So I started thinking of all the horrible things that could go wrong on my way home. That guy in the seat next to me could follow me off the train and kill me. Someone could attack me and no one would help. Someone else could get attacked, and I would be too paralyzed with uncertainty to help them. The train could crash. It could blow up. Etc., etc.

After I think of all these rather depressing things, I start to wonder what people's reactions will be. I go through the entire list of the people I know, and wonder how each of them would react to each scenario. Would I be missed? Would they visit me in the hospital? Would they want a midnight phonecall for help, or would I be better off waiting until the next day?

And then I got to thinking that this type of thinking can't possibly be normal. I don't have a death wish, I consider myself a pretty happy person, and I was on my way home from a really nice day with friends. So really have no idea why my thoughts went in that direction, but it isn't the first time, nor, I suspect, will it be the last.

And the funny part is that as soon as I have something else to distract me, I promptly forget about all those morbid thoughts and go on my merry way.

The DMV Hates me UPDATED!

2005-10-18T15:07:00.000-04:00

UPDATE: I am finally legal! Five times was the charm in this case...

Four times now. FOUR. That is how many times I have now tried to register my car in the state of New York. However, each time I am thwarted in my attempts to do the right thing. The first few times were missing paperwork of various sorts. Things like not having a paper copy of my title because Florida did away with issuing paper titles and just keeps electronic ones on file. Imagine that, efficiency.

The third time I stood in that horribly long line for ungodly amounts of time, it was an insurance issue. I HAVE current insurance, in the state of New York no less. That was one of the first things I took care of when relocating. But no, the NY DMV will only allow you to register your car up to 45 days after the card for your insurance was issued. I am now on my second one, and THAT one is getting ready to expire as well. If I can't get this taken care of by the end of the week, I will have to have Allstate send me yet another one.

The fourth, and most recent attempt was this past Monday. I planned ahead. I knew I needed to go, so I arranged to leave an hour early after I had finished proofing pages. Just before I was set to leave, I had the paranoid thought that I should check the office hours. Good thing I did, as they closed at 4. A half-hour before.

I am beginning to think that perhaps this is Fate trying to tell me that I am destined to drive a car with expired Florida tags (they were only good through September). Heaven help any cops that may try to pull me over while I am getting this taken care of. I have the paperwork proof to show that I have been trying since June to get this done. Five months I have been at this, mostly spent waiting for someone to send me a copy of paperwork kept on file somewhere. Most of which had to go through two or more people, like my title. That little piece took almost two months to obtain, since I had to call Ford Motor, who is the lienholder while I am paying it off, and have them contact the State of Florida to request a certified copy of the title, then when they recieved it, turn around and stick it in the mail to me along with a letter saying it was ok by them that I had left the state.

So that is my adventure with the NY DMV to this point. I plan another registration attempt this Thursday, so we shall see if I actually manage to secure the prize. At this point, I have gone through the full range of emotions from annoyed to enraged to downright amused. While I want this taken care of, a little part of me is almost hoping they find another reason to turn me away. It makes a better story that way, and 5 is such a nice number.

Killing Time and Relieving Stress

2005-10-12T12:53:00.000-04:00

I find that when I am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, a few seconds spent on a Web site devoted to nothing more than amusing me does wonders for my overall perspective. To that end, I have started an Interesting and Amusing links section over there under the links to all your blogs. It is small right now, but if you guys send me the links to similar goofiness you find, I will add to the section.

Personally, My high score right now is 323.5 on the Penguins, Muffin Film number 4 is my favorite, and I love the dancing bunny at the end of the Jaws segment.......

Boot Babe

2005-10-11T09:29:00.000-04:00

There is something about putting on a pair of boots, especially boots with a bit of a heel, that feels very sexy. Now, I am not much of a "shoe person." I don't swoon when walking by shoe stores, I don't rush in to do battle if someone is having a sale, heck, I don't even own all that many pairs, just the basics, with one or two fun pairs of sandals thrown in that other people bought me.

But there is something about boots. Maybe it is just me buying into the whole fashion industry hype about what is and isn't sexy, as you always see the really hot fashion models in boots with really high heels all throughout the fall and winter seasons. But I can't deny that, no matter what else is going on, when pulling on a pair of boots I have to stop and feel sexy for just a few moments before going on with my day.

A love affair

2005-10-07T15:39:00.000-04:00

Have any of you ever wanted to write, but not wanted to at the same time. All the talk about Coffee Crew, and now chatting with Dee about fiction and writing it has really gotten me in the mood to revisit my little project on character studies. I have 5 or so written already, and have about 20 planned, with interludes by a narrator every 5 or so to tie them all together. But while I want to return to them, I am a bit scared to at the same time. I write for a living, and yet I don't think I am very good. It always amazes me when people actually enjoy something I write. But technical writing is easy, so while I always feel a twang of aprehension when I turn a story in, I get past it and move on. However, I can't say the same about my fiction.

I haven't visited my stories in several years, partially because I haven't had the time. I guess that is part of the problem, that I worry that people will find the concept or the writing silly or childish. They were well-recieved in college, which is where the original idea started. In a class actually, part of my creative writing minor requirements. I had to share them both in the class and in a community writing group we were part of, and they were liked then, so I am not sure why I hesitate now. Am I afraid everyone will see through me and realize I am just pretending to be a writer? Will they dismiss me as talentless and not worthy of the title of writer? Contradictory I know, but there you have it.

So I avoid writing them. I think about them, and other stories. I have countless stories and characters in my head, including another whole novel, plot line, characters and all, that have never seen anything resembling the light of day. Maybe I am just afraid that someone will tell me I never should let those ideas out, because I will just mangle them. If I keep them in my head, they can be as good or as bad as I want. Or maybe the act of putting them on paper would make them too real. They have become real people to me over the years, with their own quirks, and I am not sure how it would feel to share them with others. Thrilling, but frightening at the same time, like watching your child head off to the first day of school, I think. You are both proud of what they are and what they will become, and at the same time you worry about them, what people will think, how they will treat them. Will people read my stories and hate these characters I have come to love? Will they ridicule them, bully them? Or will they love them as much as I do?

So I am torn between wanting to share my work with others, and wanting to keep it locked up inside me forever, hiding behind the excuse of too much work and not enough time. I hope I can get past it, since I have a feeling the personalities I have created would want it that way.

Time and Time Again

2005-10-05T14:31:00.000-04:00

Even though I know, intellectually, that an hour is always the same amount of time, why is it that some hours seem longer than others. The mornings at work have a tendancy to fly by -- before I know it, it is noon or later, time for lunch, and I feel like there isn't enough time for me to get anything done. However, when I return to lunch, time grinds to a halt, taking, it seems, twice as long to get to the end of the day.

Maybe the time I rush through in the mornings is tacked on to the hours in the afternoon.

I can tell myself all I want that it has to do with how busy I am in the mornings generally, plus I waste a certain amount of time chatting with friends and catching up on how the previous evening was. And as the afternoon runs down, I get tired, so I am not getting as much work done, hence I am more aware of the passage of time in general. But while that explains why it happens, it doesn't change my frustration and annoyance with the phenonemon. An hour should feel like an hour, no matter what I am doing to fill it. I shouldn't have to find things to do to force time to pass every afternoon -- it should just march along at a nice clip, just like it does in the mornings.

Old Friends

2005-10-03T18:52:00.000-04:00

I consider some books to be old friends. I can re-read them again and again, and it is like sitting down and talking to someone who's company you truely enjoy. There are some I re-visit more often than others, and those I consider my favorites I can almost recite from memory. In fact, I no longer even need to read them cover to cover, I can just pick them up, open to any place I want, and read a page or a chapter or more, stopping whenever I feel like it, since I know what happens at the end.

Most people don't really enjoy re-reading. They figure they know how it ends, so why go through it all again. I guess for me, the appeal isn't really the story line -- that is secondary. I am interested in the characters, what they start out as, how they change and develop, what makes them who they are at the end of the story. So once I have finished a novel and know how that person evolves, I want to go back and see again how they got there, kind of like that old saying of hindsight is 20/20. It is always amazing to me how much I catch that second or thrid time through. The foreshadowing of what's to come and what will change that you miss that first time. The phrases or events that don't seem very important suddenly make a lot of sense when you know how they fit into the grand scheme of things.

I found myself craving a few old friends I hadn't visited in a long time this past weekend. Shakespeare's characters from Much Ado About Nothing, one of my favorites by him, were calling my name. Another book I went searching for on the shevles was a book I first discovered in college called The Things They Carried, which is one of the few war-time novels that really captured and held my interest. These are classics that can remain on my shelf for years at a time without provoking the urge to revisit, but every now and then I like to dust them off and remember how much I liked someone, or how great that one was to hate.

And the best feeling of all is knowing how many new friends are out there, sitting on shelves, just waiting for a chance to meet me.

Well, since I have one anyway...

2005-10-03T14:17:00.000-04:00

Since Steve made me register in order to post comments in his blog, I now find myself the proud owner of a second blog (I have a livejournal as well, and no, I'm not giving out the link...) I guess I will use this one to attempt to actually put down on paper all the random bits of things I write in my head but never actually share with anyone. See what you have done Steve? You are subjecting the world to my random musings.

So off we go, into the as-yet unexplored realm of my inner thought process...