A love affair
Have any of you ever wanted to write, but not wanted to at the same time. All the talk about Coffee Crew, and now chatting with Dee about fiction and writing it has really gotten me in the mood to revisit my little project on character studies. I have 5 or so written already, and have about 20 planned, with interludes by a narrator every 5 or so to tie them all together. But while I want to return to them, I am a bit scared to at the same time. I write for a living, and yet I don't think I am very good. It always amazes me when people actually enjoy something I write. But technical writing is easy, so while I always feel a twang of aprehension when I turn a story in, I get past it and move on. However, I can't say the same about my fiction.I haven't visited my stories in several years, partially because I haven't had the time. I guess that is part of the problem, that I worry that people will find the concept or the writing silly or childish. They were well-recieved in college, which is where the original idea started. In a class actually, part of my creative writing minor requirements. I had to share them both in the class and in a community writing group we were part of, and they were liked then, so I am not sure why I hesitate now. Am I afraid everyone will see through me and realize I am just pretending to be a writer? Will they dismiss me as talentless and not worthy of the title of writer? Contradictory I know, but there you have it.
So I avoid writing them. I think about them, and other stories. I have countless stories and characters in my head, including another whole novel, plot line, characters and all, that have never seen anything resembling the light of day. Maybe I am just afraid that someone will tell me I never should let those ideas out, because I will just mangle them. If I keep them in my head, they can be as good or as bad as I want. Or maybe the act of putting them on paper would make them too real. They have become real people to me over the years, with their own quirks, and I am not sure how it would feel to share them with others. Thrilling, but frightening at the same time, like watching your child head off to the first day of school, I think. You are both proud of what they are and what they will become, and at the same time you worry about them, what people will think, how they will treat them. Will people read my stories and hate these characters I have come to love? Will they ridicule them, bully them? Or will they love them as much as I do?
So I am torn between wanting to share my work with others, and wanting to keep it locked up inside me forever, hiding behind the excuse of too much work and not enough time. I hope I can get past it, since I have a feeling the personalities I have created would want it that way.
posted by Toni @ 3:39 PM
Comments: 10
