A Few Thoughts
Ok, I seem to be getting into a lot of conversations about relationships lately with just about everyone, which, for lack of anything better to do while driving to and from work, has got me thinking. I have come up with a few general observations I thought I would share.1. Too many people seem to be obsessed with the superficial to the extent that they discount the things that really count. When talking about dating, people talk about how they want a guy who looks like 'this', or a girl who owns 'that'. They refuse to even consider dating someone who does not fit that profile, and to me that seems as silly as saying 'I refuse to date anyone who doesn't like the color blue.' Superficial things like looks or what they own or even their deodorant preferences can be negotiated and changed if they bother you that much. Instead, it seems like more people would find long-term happiness if they didn't worry so much about that stuff and instead focused on things like a sense of humor, or similar tastes in recreational activities.
2. Which leads me into my second, similar observation. Stereotypes. When people describe their 'perfect' mate, they usually choose a stereotype of some sort, like 'Italian male' or 'party girl'. Why would you want to date a stereotype though? Talk about boring -- there would never be a sense of wonder or excitement because you would be dating someone who always reacted the way you predicted they would. And that is assuming you could even find said stereotype out there. I hate to be the one to have to say this, but that only exists on television, not in real life.
3. The perfect person doesn't exist. And quite frankly even if they did, I wouldn't want to date them. I'm not perfect, why would I want the stress of dating someone who was? Refusing to date unless someone fits perfectly into the little box you have created to describe "mate" means you will either never date anyone at all, or you will sabotage every relationship when the other person doesn't live up to your every expectation.
4. No relationship will be without its irritations. I have the benefit of growing up with parents who are best friends as well as lovers, and they still have things about each other that irritate them. The trick isn't to find someone with no qualities that might get on your nerves, but to find someone who is willing to negotiate compromises with you, to say "ok, this irritates me about you, but I know this thing I do irritates you, so lets agree to both work on it."
5. It is never easy. A good relationship is work. If you expect it to always be easy and run every time it gets hard, you will be running all your life. Not to say there aren't times and relationships that just can't be fixed. But if two people love each other, they should be willing to talk about it and try to find a solution they can both live with before just calling it quits.
6. Time is not as big of a deal as people seem to think it is. There isn't a timetable for when you must or must not be with someone. On the flip side, if you truly care about someone, lack of time becomes less of an issue. Does it suck if you can't spend a lot of time together? Of course. But when you care about someone, you don't begrudge them what they have to do, or even that they have other friends they want to visit with, and you take what you can get and are grateful for it.
7. Everyone has their own defense mechanism for avoiding getting hurt. Some people hide it better than others, but everyone has them. None of us are completely without issues. The trick is to know what your own defenses are, since then you can try to work past them. I freely admit I have a hard time with this one myself. Yes it is easier just to stick with what you know and not get hurt, but that isn't always the right decision, and who knows what you are missing out on.
8. If you don't know who you are as an individual, how can you be part of a couple? I have never understood that drive to not have any real personality outside of your identity as "so-and-so's boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse." How can you possibly be someone's 'other half' if you have no idea what your half really looks like? How can you give your heart to someone if you never really knew what it held in the first place?
posted by Toni @ 10:47 AM
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